Lesson 5 How to Win Over Someone’s Mind
How to Handle Haters
Have you ever known someone you just did not get along with?
Maybe it was someone you had difficulty working with or it could have been someone you were always arguing with.
This kind of situation can leave you wondering what you should do.
Should you ignore them, be extra nice to them, or stand up to them?
If you have ever been confused about what to do, you are not alone.
Luckily for us, Benjamin Franklin, the American politician and inventor, came up with an answer more than 200 years ago.
Benjamin Franklin was a very smart man, not just in politics and science, but also in his ability to deal with people.
Once, when Franklin was serving as a representative for the people of the state of Pennsylvania, a powerful opponent made a long speech criticizing him.
This speech was so powerful that it threatened Franklin's political career.
Franklin decided to try to change his enemy's opinion of him.
To do this, he sent a letter to the man asking for a favor.
He asked the man to lend him a very rare and valuable book, one that he knew the man had in his personal library.
The man, Franklin's enemy, immediately sent him the book.
Franklin read the book and returned it with a note of thanks.
The next time Franklin met his enemy, the man was much nicer to him.
They eventually became friends and remained so for the rest of their lives.
In his autobiography, Franklin explained what happened.
Franklin wrote, "He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another."
By asking a small favor of his enemy, Franklin gave the man a chance to do him a kindness.
This turned his enemy into a friend.
Today this phenomenon is known as the Benjamin Franklin effect.
It is commonly thought that if you want people who do not like you to like you, you should do favors for them.
However, if you want to try to create a connection with someone who does not like you, asking that person to do you a favor is more effective.
To test this phenomenon, a psychologist performed an experiment and came to the same conclusion.
About 80 students were invited to participate in an experiment and were told they would be given some money after a series of tests.
A researcher was hired and made the students dislike him by being rude to them.
The students took the tests and were all awarded the promised money.
They were then divided into three groups. Group 1 was asked by the researcher to return some of the prize money.
He explained that he had used his own money for the tests and the study was in danger of running out of funds.
Group 2 was asked by a secretary to return some of the money to the institution because the budget was running low.
Group 3 was not asked to return any money.
Afterward, all three groups were asked to rate how much they liked the researcher.
The people in Group 1, who had done the researcher a personal favor by returning some of the money, rated the researcher the highest.
Despite the fact that they had had a bad impression of him during the experiment, they had more positive feelings for him after returning "his money.“
How can it be that we feel more positively toward people for whom we do favors?
It is because of what psychologists refer to as "cognitive dissonance."
We want our actions and our thoughts to be in harmony.
When we do something that we do not like, the balance is broken, and we feel unhappy.
If there is a conflict between our thoughts and our actions (cognitive dissonance), we will change one or the other to relieve the conflict.
After lending Franklin the book, Franklin's enemy experienced cognitive dissonance.
He felt troubled because he was doing something nice for someone he disliked.
Feeling anxious and unhappy, he had to find a way to resolve his feelings.
The easiest way for him to do that was to change how he thought about Franklin.
He justified doing the favor by telling himself that Franklin was not a bad person after all and convinced himself that he actually liked Franklin.
Is there someone with whom you would like to have a better relationship?
Try asking that person for a small favor, such as lending you a pencil or watching your bag while you go to the restroom.
Then see if their feelings toward you change. The chances are they will.
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